I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
