I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize