the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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