Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
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