Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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