We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
