I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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