Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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