was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
