I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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