make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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