I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
