The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
