Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
