Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
