I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
