why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
