i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
