dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
