just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
