I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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