He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
