hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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