She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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