I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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