The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
