Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
