i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
they need to just BURY HIM!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
