I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
