you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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