I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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