my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
