dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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