Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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