remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Randomize
