My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
two words: eviction party
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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