Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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