atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
