so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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