omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
