gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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