two words: eviction party
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
third nipple confirmed
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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