my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
