Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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