I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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