I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
