I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just pee around me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
