Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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