if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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