Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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