That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
