i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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