ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
