Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
