I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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