True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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