I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just want nice things and good sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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