im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
