I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
