Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
