I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
