I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
