he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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