I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
