There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
