I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize