What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
