hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
