mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
