i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
