this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
