i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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