Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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