i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
